The day I almost died

I woke up one morning, with a new vigour that I had never experienced before.  Unusual to my nature, I made myself a big breakfast with coffee.  I then went up to my bedroom and put on my laptop to watch a movie.  I would study the afternoon.  You see, I was on leave, and would have enough time to study for my exams.  I had an important exam the following day.  Well, I guess all of them are important.  Nonetheless, I was ready to tackle this thing from different angles.  I had all my notes, question papers, the works.  What I did not know was that it would never happen.

I woke up on an unfamiliar bed.  Well, kind of.  I had been here before, I just could not place the place.  My head was spinning, and I could not understand what was going on.

I caught a bit of the conversation of the people that were in the room. “She’s the one that tried to commit suicide.”  But..?

Of course, I had not tried to kill myself.

Let me explain myself.  That afternoon when I sat on my couch to watch that movie, I don’t even recall what it was, I did not intend to kill myself.  I just wanted to feel numb, like my insides.  You see, all I took were 9 pills – that’s all I had left.  I had given the rest to a friend to keep safe so that I wouldn’t overdose.  See, at the time I was a danger to myself, and the only way was to ration my medication.  Except she had forgotten to give me only one pill.  So in my attempt to feel numb, I almost killed myself.

I had lost time to darkness.  She says I was convulsing, frothing at the mouth.  What saved me is that she is a nurse.  She knew what to do.  But she was scared too.

So, I woke up in a strange bed, with no shoes on, and no one to blame but myself.

The guilt, it tears you apart.

What if I had died? What if I had succeeded? Was the dark all that would come? Or…

Who cares anyway

You fix your make-up in the morning and in the evening

You smile at people the whole day, and at night

But on some days, the smile just wants to have a rest

To sit back in the corner and just cry

To stir its own grief away

But you force it there

No matter what, they can’t know

They can’t know how dark your smile is

They can’t know that you don’t want to smile

They just can’t know that you’re tired of smiling

So you put your best food forward

Hoping you won’t fall

Smile, they’re looking…

Live

So who do you tell what

Am I always going to live in a world where people judge me for being who I am, how I am

Am I always going to live in a world where I have to hide the fact that I take so much medication, and why I take so much medication

Am I always going to live in a world where I have to smile, cause people think I’ve cried enough, and that they’ve had enough of my sulking?  It’s not really sulking, it’s just who I am, and how I am

Am I always going to live in a world where I am alone, cause no one has the capacity to handle all the person that I am

Am I always going to live in a world like this, am I always going to live

Gone

So, I came across this verse today, actually about a minute ago or so

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

I’m under heaven, right?

Right…

It’s the time for everything and season parts I don’t get

I’ve been struggling for years with this thing,

misdiagnosed a couple of times by different people,

mistreated as a result, by different people,

and also thrown and left in a psych hospital once (I don’t even know if that can be called a hospital)

I think sometimes my mind flirts with insanity – I fear one day I will just not be lucid

 

All things considered, I thought I was making progress, dear readers

But I’m here again

Suicidal again – if you’re gonna ask me what happened, or whether I’m depressed or upset or feel like it’s all too much, or that I want something (a lot refer to “the pain”) to go away, you clearly do not know what a suicidal person goes through, or where they’re at.

You know the feeling you get when a weight has been lifted off your shoulder?

You feel light, relief, free, and carefree.

You may be around people, but their voices are already far away,

you may try to sing along to music, but your voice is already gone, but it doesn’t bother you,

you may try to think (or remind yourself to remember to think) about a loved one, someone you usually would die for, but that thought is behind a soundproof glass door in front of you, so you can’t really hear it

you no longer try to smile as hard as you normally do, you just do, however, because you’re no longer sad

you may even get a million banana milkshakes (yes, I  like those, or at least I used to), you stopped eating long ago, but you’re okay

you talk a lot, but you’re not really saying anything meaningful

you start making a memory box and tidy up (I don’t do tidy guys, but my place has been tidy for over a week now)

contingency plans, much?

 

Well, here’s the thing, when will this season end?

I am trying guys, I even told my therapist, and I’m going back to hospital, but really what the hell am I doing? It’s like all this is on purpose…

 

 

Running

Today I tried very hard to run away from thinking about killing myself,

from killing myself

I slept, I snoozed my alarm for two hours, at 10 minute intervals each

I thought of telling someone

ask for help

ask for someone to stand guard

I woke up

I deleted my whatsapp

I thought about telling someone

I washed dishes

I thought I should call someone

I made food

I thought of texting someone

I ate

I wondered who I could talk to

I washed dishes

I asked myself who would understand

I cleaned my room

I thought of my therapist

I took off the washing

I wondered what help it would do to take these pills, I’m not feeling overly emotional – so what would they help, they’ve already calmed me down

I considered what I would say to my psychiatrist in January, when I have to check in with him on my six month check-up

I studied

I wondered who would understand

I washed dishes

I thought about doing yoga

I made coffee

I wondered if Patience was okay, I haven’t seen her all day

I stood outside

I deleted my facebook

I sat my desk

I wondered if I should text Katlego

I cut my wig shorter

I went numb in thought

I showered

I wondered if I should call my lecturer

I talk to some people

I wondered if God would understand

I came back to study

I thought of my anti-depressants

I took a walk

I wondered if I should break my phone

I stood with a bunch of people who talked

I wondered if any of them could see what I was thinking about

I thought of telling someone what I was thinking off

what I was trying very hard not to think about

I thought about my daughter,

about the fact that I haven’t called her yet

I wondered if I should post this

I wondered if I should call a hospital,

what would I say

I wondered if it would even matter

 

I’m sad and in love

What does it take to fall in love?

Some say it’s a smile, some say it’s a touch,

It could be a kiss or the passing of time

I can’t say for sure,

But I will say that I am

 

And being that as it is,

It makes me very sad.

 

Cause I’m not the kind of person that people keep,

They glean in on little pieces, fragments, of me and they run.

 

Because I don’t know how to do superficial,

Nor do I know how to pretend “normal”

I don’t bother with friends,

Cause it’s too much work,

And I don’t have those kinds of resources.

 

So now, I’m in love,

And the dark cloud has come for a visit.

It usually stays a long while,

I know just to ride it out,

Not to rush it away,

Not to question it,

Nor to push it.

None of that helps, so I ride it out.

 

But will my new love last through the storm?

 

Cause my first love left at the mere darkening of the sky.

The day I went crazy

So, it’s been a while since I last wrote something.  There hasn’t been much to say.

Anyway, I’m seeing this guy, and I think he’s turned me into a crazeee.  Or maybe I was even before I met him.

So like, I stay away from relationships and men in general, because they are stupid.  And because I’m one of those souls that truly love.  I am the empathetic personality type.  So when I fall, I fall.  I’ll feel your hurts and your joys, etc etc etc.

Anyway, so this new bae of mine has been such a joy – he brings me chocolates, and biltong, and calls me all the time.  And we make plans to do things other than the conventional date, and we do them.  The other night, we watched the moon eclipse.  He doesn’t really get it, but he understands that the sky is my refuge.

SO, I’m going into the third week of not having seen him, and the fourth day of not having spoken to him.  It’s legit crazy.

Two nights ago I was just done.  I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t eat, and not even the wine could put me in better spirits.  Last night my friend and colleague eventually proposed to help.  Thing is, he left town, and a couple of days ago his phone broke.  I know usually at this point, my “cheater radar” is going crazy, but none of that here.  It just wouldn’t make sense.

I started feeling sick, not physically, but like there was a gaping whole in my soul.  And Bella’s line started playing in my head “What?! Are you… no! No! I don’t even know what you’re… how?! What?! What are you–?! What are you talking about– you want me to go away?! NO! I can’t… I can’t– I can’t just leave you! Ah-! Ah-! We can’t be apart! You can’t leave me.”

Anyway, my colleague friend ended up calling his moms and pretending to be a business acquaintance who could not get ahold of him.  You should see the crazy texts I sent her before she decided to take matters into her own hands and call the mom.

She suggested I go to his place, find him or his friend on Facebook, forget about it and try to study.  All to which, this crazy girl was just too out of sorts to do.

“What if I show up there and he’s not there?”

“I’ll just be even more depressed”

“I’m so miserable”

“I miss bae”

“Why can’t he just show up and hoot or scream at the gate?”

“Oh, my word, I’m crazy”

“Because of a boy!”

“I literally almost called his mom”

“I think I should switch my phone off”

“I’m angry and I’m sad, and I’m all kindsa things”

“Yeah, what exactly will I say to his mom if I call, what if she thinks I’m one of those crazy girls?”

“And I told him I don’t want a boyfriend, this shit is confusing as hell”

“Oh, will you call her now, please?”

“Oh, I can’t study”

At some point, I asked some girl to give me her brother’s number, thinking she was his flatmate’s sister – the weird look she gave me just spoke volumes.

So, this morning, I try the number he had called me from to tell me that he didn’t have a phone anymore, and he is just like “but I don’t understand why you’re going crazy.  Woman, I’m alive and I’m back.”

Anyway, point is, relationships are too big for some of us.  I’m too sensitive for this shit, and now I want chocolate and ice-cream and biltong, and a mushroom burger and more ice-cream because food is my best friend, and it understands me, and it would never call me crazy.

SPanglish :(

So, I have been very busy with tests, and soon I will be writing my exams – my first set of exams in a trillion years (I exaggerate, my first set of exams in 5 years).  I do apologise about my absence online, I am not really good at the online thing anyway.

Anyhow, I am writing today, because I felt that I absolutely needed to share what is on my mind.  I am actually at work right now, and should not even be engaging in personal activities, let alone social networking (is this even social networking?  Well, I think it is).

So, I have been in this job for a year and a couple of days, and it’s been good and bad – mostly good (but I think I was blinded by the fact that I actually love the kids whom I’m surrounded by).

Thing is, my interview was conducted in SeSotho, Afrikaans and a tad bit of Afrikaans.  The requirements – well, one of them –  for the job were that I be conversant in English, Afrikaans and SeSotho.   I understood the reason was that the management wanted to accommodate students from all walks of life, and make the centre accessible to those who struggle with English and Afrikaans.  As a bonus, I know Xhosa, thus I am able to also converse with Zulu; Swati; Sepedi; and Setswana speaking people.

Great, right???

Nope, not what my boss said this morning.  He walked into my “office” and told me that as of today, the only language that I ought to use with the students is English or Afrikaans.  His reasoning was that their vocabulary  is lacking.

Wait, what?

You get these kids into a culture where they can feel comfortable in their home language when inquiries, and a year later, you tell them it’s no longer okay to express yourself in your language.

I am sorry, but I do not get how this is to work.  I see how he believes that this will grow their working use of the language, but in truth, it is very awkward to unteach someone something that you had already taught them was okay.

I am able to just switch from one language to the other, but these kids struggle with English in class, and now they must struggle with it in a setting where they need to be comfortable enough to inquire about the things that they are too scared to ask their lecturers about?

And how about we also stop speaking Afrikaans completely as well?

Please help me with this, I think my boss has lost his mind.

Love is a losing game

So, I haven’t written in a while, I can explain.

I have just started studying again, and work and study are a handful, so my apologies for leaving a drought here.

I don’t have much to say today, except that love is a losing game – as expressed in the song by Amy Whinehouse…

I met a man, fell for him, and this morning I found out that he is married.

I have a test later on this afternoon, I hope to be okay for it, and to do well because I did prepare for it.

How someone could be so evil as to look someone in the eye and lie like that, is beyond me.

Anyhow, wish me luck for my test later on.

Maybe on another day, I will write you a full detail about this, right now I am just numb

Phone call to heaven

So, it’s been exactly 2 years since I last saw you.  The last thing I said to you were “Sharp.”  I guess it amounts to a goodbye, just not the one I was meant to say.  I wanted to give you a hug.  I had this weird feeling, but at the time had no inclination as to where or what it was coming from.  I think it was just God’s way of telling me that I should have actually given you a hug that afternoon.  Then, the last time I saw you, it was on that hospital bed, when you had already been pronounced dead.  It didn’t make sense in my head, it still doesn’t.  It is not something one can comprehend so easily.  I guess if the shoe was on your foot, you would also have worn it the same.  The one distinct thing about you lying there, was not that you were lying on a hospital bed, or that you were covered in blood, but rather that you liked you were asleep – but without breathing.

I don’t think God made a mistake in taking you, because I knew you, and you seemed to be falling into a trail that was far from who you were or were destined to be.  But I think the devil was cruel in using that satan’s hand in your death.  I don’t think of him.  I don’t even know what he looks like, nor do I want to, because I think that will just affirm what all the drs and what everyone else is saying about you – that you’re dead.

I don’t think you are dead, I think that now you are chilling under God’s lappa sipping on some heavenly juice.  You were an angel in my life, and in Zoë’s life, and I am glad that she got to meet her wonderful uncle.  I took her out for her birthday 3 days ago.  I went a little overboard with her present this year, but she was happy.  I think you would have made a super dad, cause you were a super uncle to her.

Ek mis jou my tweeling, drie en twintig jaar was oorgenoeg, en ook te min ‘n leeftyd om iemand soos jou te ken.