Running

Today I tried very hard to run away from thinking about killing myself,

from killing myself

I slept, I snoozed my alarm for two hours, at 10 minute intervals each

I thought of telling someone

ask for help

ask for someone to stand guard

I woke up

I deleted my whatsapp

I thought about telling someone

I washed dishes

I thought I should call someone

I made food

I thought of texting someone

I ate

I wondered who I could talk to

I washed dishes

I asked myself who would understand

I cleaned my room

I thought of my therapist

I took off the washing

I wondered what help it would do to take these pills, I’m not feeling overly emotional – so what would they help, they’ve already calmed me down

I considered what I would say to my psychiatrist in January, when I have to check in with him on my six month check-up

I studied

I wondered who would understand

I washed dishes

I thought about doing yoga

I made coffee

I wondered if Patience was okay, I haven’t seen her all day

I stood outside

I deleted my facebook

I sat my desk

I wondered if I should text Katlego

I cut my wig shorter

I went numb in thought

I showered

I wondered if I should call my lecturer

I talk to some people

I wondered if God would understand

I came back to study

I thought of my anti-depressants

I took a walk

I wondered if I should break my phone

I stood with a bunch of people who talked

I wondered if any of them could see what I was thinking about

I thought of telling someone what I was thinking off

what I was trying very hard not to think about

I thought about my daughter,

about the fact that I haven’t called her yet

I wondered if I should post this

I wondered if I should call a hospital,

what would I say

I wondered if it would even matter