I am a cheater

So, I have a confession to make.  I am cheating.  Well, I cheated on Soldier boy.  Emotionally.  I get that there is no excuse for cheating, I mean, I am an advocate for not cheating in anything – I’m talking about exams, learners’ tests, anything that has an aspect of honesty – I feel it does not need dishonesty (cheating).  But, that fact does not stop me from saying “I can explain,” because I really feel that I can.

Soldier boy has stopped communicating with me for reasons unknown to me.  I have been calling and texting, and he has been ignoring my texts and not taking my calls.  In moments when my heart feels a little at ease- the minute I hear the phone being picked up – it drops back down, because it is actually someone else picking up to tell me that he is unavailable.  Then he never calls or texts me back.  The worst is when he lies to me and says that he will come see me over the weekend, then I don’t go home for the weekend – I cook and I wait for him – then he never comes.  And no, reader, he offers no excuse, no responds to me asking him if he’s still coming, or why he didn’t come.  Nothing.

I questioned nicely, I begged and pleaded, and I have even threatened leaving him for his behaviour – but he persists in not responding to me.  And yes, dear reader, he is a soldier – I get that, but trust me, he is not dead.  I know this, because he is online everyday, changes his profile picture ever so often, and every now and then he will just say hi but nothing further then that.

So, in the end, I find myself wondering a lot about why I am being treated like this by someone that I care so much for.  I find myself needing for him, and longing.  I am not lonely, I am very alone.  I am not saying he should talk to me everyday, all day.  But, just talk to me, is that too much to ask?  We have been together for so long, and I still don’t know the direction of where he even stays, I don’t know his sister’s name – that’s if he even has one – nor do I know exactly what his job title is.

Now, as I said, I have been feeling very alone because of the way I am being treated here.  Am I a fool, for even thinking that he will come right one day, and treat me like the beautiful person that I am?  Maybe I am.

In the meantime, yesterday was the least loneliest I have ever been.  I spent a big chunk of the night watching some Venac comedy show; listening to some foreign music; and singing out loud to a The Soil concert with someone else.  And why, you may ask?  Because I do not deserve to be treated like an invalid.  I spoke about my daughter, about Moses in the Bible, and I laughed at the ridiculous jokes that this guy made.

So, it may not have been physical cheating, but I had a good time with someone that is not my boyfriend, and I would not dream of telling him about him.  So, I think we all agree that I am a cheater.  And to be honest, I feel bad for having enjoyed someone else’s company so much.  And here I was thinking that I would never cheat on anything or anyone – not even Soldier boy.

Not even Soldier boy…