Gone

So, I came across this verse today, actually about a minute ago or so

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

I’m under heaven, right?

Right…

It’s the time for everything and season parts I don’t get

I’ve been struggling for years with this thing,

misdiagnosed a couple of times by different people,

mistreated as a result, by different people,

and also thrown and left in a psych hospital once (I don’t even know if that can be called a hospital)

I think sometimes my mind flirts with insanity – I fear one day I will just not be lucid

 

All things considered, I thought I was making progress, dear readers

But I’m here again

Suicidal again – if you’re gonna ask me what happened, or whether I’m depressed or upset or feel like it’s all too much, or that I want something (a lot refer to “the pain”) to go away, you clearly do not know what a suicidal person goes through, or where they’re at.

You know the feeling you get when a weight has been lifted off your shoulder?

You feel light, relief, free, and carefree.

You may be around people, but their voices are already far away,

you may try to sing along to music, but your voice is already gone, but it doesn’t bother you,

you may try to think (or remind yourself to remember to think) about a loved one, someone you usually would die for, but that thought is behind a soundproof glass door in front of you, so you can’t really hear it

you no longer try to smile as hard as you normally do, you just do, however, because you’re no longer sad

you may even get a million banana milkshakes (yes, I  like those, or at least I used to), you stopped eating long ago, but you’re okay

you talk a lot, but you’re not really saying anything meaningful

you start making a memory box and tidy up (I don’t do tidy guys, but my place has been tidy for over a week now)

contingency plans, much?

 

Well, here’s the thing, when will this season end?

I am trying guys, I even told my therapist, and I’m going back to hospital, but really what the hell am I doing? It’s like all this is on purpose…