This was exactly part of the reason why I refused to get involved in the beginning,
exactly why I refused to give you my number,
because I’ve always been me
and I’m unable to be only parts of me
You said nobody should be alone,
that everybody needs someone to talk to,
someone to comfort them,
someone to cuddle with
someone to be physically intimate with
But you had no idea,
you didn’t know what flood gates you were trynna open
what deep waters you were treading into
But you persisted
rejection after rejection
Until eventually, you broke a lil piece of my wall
What you didn’t know was that you were introducing me to a taste of comfort
and that over time you were becoming my safe haven
that you had led me into a world of trusting
trusting you
I fell into a world where I could be nobody else but me, with you
So I opened up,
But not even 2cm in and you got the shock of your life
You forgot that you had told me that you could do a better job than my therapist,
cause what in fact were you thinking I was saying when I rebutted your proposition that everybody needs someone to talk to, by telling you that I was content just talking to my therapist?
What, you thought I was just a melodramatic girl with premium medical aid to waste?
So you spun yourself into utter disbelief when my tears just couldn’t stop
and when I told you the truth, that I was dying inside
cause it never resonated with your sleeping mind when I told you I had physical intimacy problems
Yes, we’ve been intimate
and it’s been great,
and you have made me feel like I could love my body again,
that I could let my body be loved
and that my boobs are not to be hidden in bras all the time
and that it’s okay to touch and play with my body without feeling like I’m filthy
or even crying cause it’s not working the way it should be
You won’t know, but I got that vibrator as a tool of rape therapy
not because of some promiscuous fantasies or anything
But you wouldn’t have guessed any of that cause you made me forget to put up my guard
and you hugged me so well, it wasn’t scary to be held
and over time it became such a comfort that I actually felt safe in your arms
But you wouldn’t know that up to now you’re the only one I let hug me
But you wouldn’t know that cause it worked out so easily for you
and you haven’t been in my world long enough to know that when I said those words to you, that I was actually letting you know how terrified I am of being touched
by anyone
So it freaked you out when you had to come over cause I’d been crying all day after someone just touched my arm,
yeah, you have forgotten all about our first encounter, haven’t you?
And you won’t know cause I never told you,
but the last time we were together was the first time I wanted to tell you to get off me
cause it was the first time I actually felt sexual unease with you,
like I did with all the others before you,
cause you’ve broken my trust
And I guess you’ve forgotten the biggest contention I had in giving you my number when we met,
that you’d give up on wanting to be with me at some point,
and I really wasn’t trynna be mean,
I was just pointing out and trynna avoid the inevitable
because it hurts
but you persisted
And now my phone’s quiet,
and you’re freaked out
cause now you believe, with no hindsight – cause you’ve forgotten what I told you – that I’m seeing a therapist
And at a time when that meant anything at all,
it would’ve translated to “I have deeply-rooted issues”
and “I can’t pretend superficial in my relationships”
cause it’s already hard enough putting up a daily show for everyone else in the world
Funny thing is, though I was reluctant and suspicious (as always)
I believed you
when you inferred that it didn’t matter